So you want to date my best friend: An open letter to potential suitors.

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door
©1988

Hi there.

First off, let me congratulate you on scoring one of the best fishes in the sea, my friend. I don’t know who you are, or how she met you, but I do know this: she cares about you. I could list all of the things I love about my best friend, but I’m sure you’ve already noticed them. She’s loving, stubborn, and quirky in all the right ways. I’m sure that if she’s let you into her life and you’re reading this, you two have something pretty special going. However, I wouldn’t be a best friend if I didn’t meddle. Know that I’m doing this for your benefit as much as hers, but mainly for hers. Because I want her to be happy. So below I have listed 5 things that I know will help your relationship.

1.   Forget the flowers

Did you make her angry? Is it Valentine’s Day or your anniversary? Don’t get her flowers. Flowers wilt and die (and balloons are just sacks of your breath – weird). If you truly want to stay in her good graces, grab her a cup of tea and a good book. Don’t know what book to get her? She’s been hoarding a list on Goodreads for years.

2.   Cinnamon

If you’re looking for a little pick-me-up when she’s feeling sad, candy’s a solid bet. Chocolate will do the trick most of the time, but if you know what’s good for you you’ll get the girl some cinnamon. What kind of cinnamon, you ask? It doesn’t matter. Cinnamon gummies, cinnamon hard candies, cinnamon tea—if it’s made with cinnamon, her mood will improve.

3.   Practice patience

This might be a given in any relationship, but my best friend demands more than the normal amount of patience. She loves to sing off-key at the top of her lungs. When she gets an idea in her head, nothing will change the way she sees it. If she gets an idea in her head about something you should try, indulge her. It’ll be easier than trying to get her to stop pestering you, along with the fact that she has the potential to see greatness in people before they see it in themselves. With patience, comes trust. If you have a lot of both, you’ll be just fine.

4.   Become an Avenger

Captain America will forever hold my best friend’s heart. She is in every way just as kick-ass as Agent Carter, and so she deserves someone just as awesome as Steve Rogers. Take a lesson from Steve and Peggy’s love story, and I’m sure yours will (live long and) prosper.

5.   Embrace the feminist in you

My best friend is truly "feminist as fuck". She will always be an advocate of equality between the sexes, and will take none of the fake bs that likes to be thrown around. You don’t necessarily have to agree with her viewpoints, but at least make an effort to understand her side of things.

I pray that you take my words to heart. Some of the things I’ve listed might seem a little silly, but they all have weight in one way or another. I’ve known this girl you’re dating for a majority of the years I’ve been on this planet, and I love her dearly. She’s giving you a chance, which means that you’re pretty special. Just a warning though that if you ever decide that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life immersed in the wonderful craziness that is my best friend, be gentle. Don’t play games, and don’t outstay your welcome. I’ve watched enough Bones and Castle to have a pretty good idea of how to get away with at least a terrifying kidnapping – I’m kidding, of course, I’m sure you’re a lovely person (well I’m probably kidding). Oh, and one more thing: You’re welcome J